“Ain’t No Need To Worry What The Night Is Gonna Bring. It’ll Be All Over In The Morning.”

This week I was tested on the concept of worry.  I am so glad to report that I’ve obviously learned the lesson and passed the test.  I encountered a situation.  What made me most anxious was the amount of uncertainty involved.  Uncertainty, for me, means lack of control. I do not like feeling that a situation is outside of my control even though I often realize that it is.  But I sat back in this instance and thought “don’t worry about it.  Just don’t worry.”  It’s funny that when the lesson is clear, all of the answers come clearly.  So, here’s what came to me with crystal clear clarity.

No matter what happens in life, worrying is not going to change the situation or the outcome.  It will only serve to drain your energy, foster negativity, and possibly cause or contribute to physical malaise or illness.  Now I’m not suggesting that we don’t encounter situations in life where one potential outcome is very bad or detrimental.  I’m simply suggesting that worrying about it is not the best solution.  What should you do instead?

1.  Prepare for the worst- Ask yourself  a) what’s the worst than can happen?   Once you know the answer to that question, ask yourself  b)what can I do to repair things  if the worst thing occurs?   One of the most interesting facts of life is that the worst that can happen rarely does.  We worry and we stress thinking about how bad the worst thing will be… and THEN it never occurs.  So we have spent days, weeks, months devoting a lot of time, energy, and attention to something that never comes to fruition.

But, in the rare instance that the worst that can happen actually occurs you need to be ready with guns blazing.  The diagnosis is what you feared most?  You are not able to keep your home?  Your family member is guilty of what they’ve been accused of?  In  the case of a medical diagnosis, worrying is the WORST thing for you.  You are in a fight, often times for your life, and you have to be ready for battle.  The worst that can happen is that you have the illness but understand that this is NOT the worst thing.  You are still ALIVE and now you have to put on your armor, surround yourself with other warriors (at least in spirit) and you have to fight for your life.  And trust me, you can not fight and worry at the same time.

2.  Recognize what is outside of the realm of your control.  Sometimes we worry about things that are outside of our control.  Let’s face it.  Some of us are professional worriers.  We spend our time worrying about other people’s lives, jobs, relationships, children, etc. There are several things that may be in play a)some people need to learn the lesson the hard way or b)”you’re gonna learn today” may be in play.   Even our children, whom we always seek to protect, must learn their own lessons.  As much as it may hurt us, we have to allow others to follow their own paths and learn their own lessons.  Worrying about the outcomes of certain lessons, while perfectly natural, is not going to lesson the pain sometimes involved for the other person nor help.  You can only work on orchestrating your life.  Let others follow their own paths.

3.  Be proactive- instead of sitting around and waiting for the worst that can happen think about what you can do NOW to prevent the worst from happening.  Spend your energy there.  You have work to do.  There really is no time for worry.  Make it happen.

Solutions 1 and 3 may seem in direct contrast to one another.  I contend that they are not.  I’m suggesting that you do whatever is within your power to prevent the worst thing from happening.  However, because everything is not always within our control, the worst may happen (or what appears to be the worst at that time).  If that occurs then you must go to solution #1.  Now that this has occurred what can I do to change the circumstances?  There is always something you can do and technically worrying is not DOING anything.

You are blessed with the life you have been given.  It is your most precious gift.  Don’t spend any time on wasted, fruitless effort.  Life is for the living.  See everything as a blessing and an opportunity for growth and change.  Once you realize the truth of this, you begin to really internalize the notion that there is no need to worry.  It’ll be all over in the morning.

Family Matters

In meditation this morning, on the tail end of hurricane Sandy, I began to reflect upon the concept of family.  As I lay there, I realized that there is a difference between relatives and family.  Relatives are those people to whom we happen to be related by blood, either closely or distantly, but whom we don’t really know.  I was thinking about some first cousins of mine.  One in particular I couldn’t name her children (except for the oldest) and I’m certain she couldn’t name mine or pick them out of a lineup.

I’m not saying that this is a good thing.  I think that it a sad state of affairs. I have other first cousins for whom I could not name ANY of their children.  Family should know each other better.  But I guess all of your relatives aren’t always family.  You just don’t really know them like that- especially if you come from a larger family that is somewhat spread out.

Yet, while I was thinking on the subject I realized that some family is not made of relatives.  They are the family of our choosing- friends whom we value as much as family and love like siblings.  We know not only their kids but extended family all by name and maybe birthday.  They are there when we need them when we call and often times even when we don’t.

In my last few moments of reflection I came to some conclusions.  There are some relatives who I need to get a little closer to.  It is even time to check in with some of my family whom I haven’t hollered at in a minute.  But the bottom line is my little vagabond family (those blood relatives and those not) are mine.  I love them all to pieces.  It is very important to treasure those we love and to let them know exactly how much they mean to us.  Life is precious and short.  Nothing is promised.  Living life to the fullest, for me, involves spending precious time with my family and enjoying every minute of it.

Pop Quiz

So you know my theory right? Once you learn the lesson it stops repeating.  Recently I have had cause to rethink this just a little bit. You may not continue to get retested but sometimes the universe gives you a pop quiz.

The purpose of the quiz is not to make you fail.  It is designed for lesson reinforcement.  In other words, yes you get it.  You’ve learned the lesson.  You understand.  BUT, are you able to apply the lesson across the board in a variety of circumstances?

Here’s the good news.  Once you are able to step back, remember that you do know the lesson,  and understand that this is just a pop quiz you relax.   There is no need to go into fight mode.  It’s just a quiz and you have already studied.  You know the answers.

This is today’s lesson.  I’ve been struggling with something for about a week now- asking myself why this is happening, wondering what I’m doing to encourage it. Today I passed the quiz.  I recognize that this is indeed a lesson. I’ve learned it before and I just need to implement the answers. I am a quiet stresser.  When I’m bothered most, people are often not aware of it.  I appear as cool as a cucumber on the outside but I’m torn up internally.  This is not good or healthy.  So, today I’ m breathing and relaxing- it’s just a quiz.  There is no new lesson to learn.  Just spit the answers back out.  It’s just a pop quiz.  Trust… you’ve got this.

The POWER Of Forgiveness

The ability to forgive another is one of the greatest gifts we can bestow, upon that person and upon ourselves.  There is a at least a small part of everyone that knows this to be true.  For some, however, it is indeed one of the hardest things to do.  Because of the extent of their hurt, anger, sense of betrayal, etc.,  they just are not able to forgive.  They think  they feel better by holding on to the pain and bitterness.  It is a scientific fact that holding on has no physical or psychological benefits.  In fact quite the opposite is true.

We have all heard the statement made that by forgiving the other person you are actually helping yourself.  You are getting rid of the toxic thoughts and behaviors that are part of maintaining the anger. You are also freeing yourself of negative energy for it does, indeed, take a lot of energy to remain angry at someone for a sustained amount of time.  Let’s face it, if you have to remind yourself that you are angry and why it is time to let it go.

Free yourself.  Take back your power.  You see when you chose (and yes, it is INDEED a CHOICE) to stay angry at someone they have power over you.  The funny thing is often they are not even aware of such.  But, when you elect to keep rehashing the wrong they have done you give them power over your emotions.  When you recognize and accept that you can exercise a different option, the pendulum swings.  When you choose how you will react when you see the person (positively), and how you will view the situation (as the learning experience that it was) then you are now in the catbird seat.  You now have control of yourself and the situation.

This is all well and good, but what about when the hardest person to forgive is the man/woman in the mirror?  Sometimes we beat ourselves up harder than anyone else EVER would over our actions, choices, outcomes, decisions, etc. Why would I do such a thing knowing that this was a possible outcome?  What was I thinking?  How could I be so stupid (that’s a big one )?  Forgiveness of self can be one of life’s greatest hurdles especially if we hold ourselves to a high standard. We don’t like to disappoint others and we certainly don’t like to disappoint ourselves.

I find myself working through such a situation right now.  What I did is not the issue.  The issue is how I feel about the action and it’s outcomes.  I especially find myself on the “How could I be so stupid?” page.  As I counsel myself (yes, I’m fond of doing that) through the process of eventual forgiveness I have to face the honest facts:

1.  I am not perfect and as a result of that I will make mistakes.

2. Some of the greatest periods of growth are a result of  big mistakes.

3.  ”Big” is a relative word.  This is only a big mistake until the next big one comes along.

4.  I am as worthy of my own forgiveness as anyone else I grant forgiveness to.

5.  Anything I learn from can’t be all bad or a total mistake.

6.  Listen to your gut instinct.  It will not steer you wrong.

As I work toward forgiving myself I encourage you to do the same. If you are constantly beating yourself up over something you are rendering yourself powerless and thus impeding your growth. Let it go.  You are not made to be perfect.  You are made to do and be your best.  We are all works in progress.

Spread love…peace and blessings.

The Point of It All

In life there are always times of stability and times of change.  Sometimes the change is welcomed and initiated by us.  Sometimes it beyond our control, but as the song says “a change is gonna come.”  My life is in a period of deep change and growth at the moment.  Most of it, thankfully, is desired.  I am learning, however, through this change that I am not as “together” as I fancied myself to be.  There are lots of lessons that I am learning and that… perhaps … probably is the point of it all.

(This is one of those blogs that is really written entirely for me, but I have learned that when I write these so many others relate as well.  We truly are all more alike than we are different.)  As I navigate through this process of change here are some of the lessons I am learning.  The good thing is that the journey is not over and thus this list is incomplete.  The bad thing is… the list is incomplete.

1.  Don’t sabotage your own happiness

Bad/trying/hard times don’t last always.  Eventually they go away. The tide turns and things begin to look up.  The grass is greener and the roses are in bloom.  Why are you then checking the Farmer’s Almanac to see when the next drought is set to hit?!  The beauty of the happy times come from actually appreciating them.  If we become so stuck in the rut of what is wrong we deprive ourselves from living in the happiness of the moment of this is good and all is right.

2.  Don’t second guess everything

You are perfectly capable of making good decisions.  Sometimes you will err on the side of caution.  Sometimes you are not cautious enough.  All that being said, things generally work out as they should.  Don’t sweat it.  Life goes on, this too shall pass, it’s all small stuff (and five thousand other clichés that are true).

3.  Appreciate those who are in it for the long haul

Most people are around for the good times- when the money is flowing, the kids are behaving perfectly, you are extending invitations to all of the events.  Yup, they are there and in the amen corner singing your praises and loving some you.  BUT, when the chips are down, when circumstances are not fully to their understanding and you exercise your God-given right not to explain yourself, or when others have turned against you they lose your number and forget where you live.  This will be some people. Others wouldn’t dare leave you.  They support, celebrate and love you even when you don’t love yourself.  Those cheerleaders are not doing it for fame or recognition, but they must realize how much you appreciate them.  This must be done in their language of which there are a few.  If you don’t acknowledge them in their way, they may not ever realize how grateful you are.  This may take some effort to decipher but it isn’t it worth the time for someone who has always had time for you?

4.  Life is not consistent.  Everything must change. 

That being said, those who are in your corner may change.  Those whom you value may change.  Those who loved you yesterday may be very underwhelmed today.  It’s all good. It’s life.  Let it change.  Grow with it. You may not be comfortable with change but it will happen and is often for the best.

5.  Patience really is a virtue and your lack of it may cause undesired results. 

Another way to express this is: you don’t control everything.  Many people are uncomfortable with feeling out of control.  Learn to accept the fun in not having to know it all and do it all.  Let someone cater to you.  Wait for the love instead of trying to force it with the wrong person.  Everything that is yours is coming to you if you are open to receiving it.  That does not mean the picture will look as you envisioned it on your vision board.  But it does mean that you will get what you are supposed to have.

6.  Love trumps all.

Envy, deceit, turmoil and deception have nothing on love.  We are full of the spirit of love.  If we let it surface and don’t worry about the possible resulting repercussions we live settled, more peaceful lives.

7 .  Sometimes you can revisit the past. 

This is a proceed with caution lesson.  You can go back to unfinished business but you have to monitor your expectations.  There are no guarantees in life, but sometimes there is reward to be found.  Remember though that those who loved you in the past may not love you now and those who didn’t like you may now love you.  This seems to be surprisingly relevant to old schoolmates.  Time mellows us all, and most of us are more similar than different.  Sometimes, it just takes us a while to realize that.

8. Don’t allow your fear of prosperity to keep you from success. 

(this is kissing cousin to #1 issue of sabotage)  Sometimes we live the way we do because we are afraid to live another way.  We are comfortable with what we know.  We don’t want to go out on the ledge to do something new, or different or *gasp* scary.  Our comfort zone is perfectly fine with us thank you very much.  So, unconsciously we keep ourselves stagnant and mediocre.  Soaring, excelling, being all that we can be and being proud look like they would bring their own challenges of jealousy, envy, and unwanted attention so we stay with what we know. We bemoan our circumstances not realizing that we are subconsciously doing everything that we can to stay put.  Living a full and prosperous life (not just financially) may appear daunting but is highly rewarding (or so I’ve heard and read by those who live it).  The trials of living well can’t be as draining as the the task of living in want and having a sub par existence.  Don’t be afraid to soar because others (may) talk about you.  Eagles are meant to SOAR alone.

9.  Put the voice in your head on mute.

I am  a strong advocate of following my own intuition, but I also realize that there is absolutely NO ONE who drives me more crazy than me! Sometimes we just need to tell the voice in our head to shut up while we enjoy the beauty of the moment.  If it screams a long, loud warning I suggest you listen, but there is no need to over think EVERYTHING.  Sometimes you need to just BE and live in the moment.  Most of the time the voice is listening to or focused on the most inane sideline matters anyway and not the main point.

These are my lessons. They are  meant especially to address shortcomings within me.  I’m a
work in progress but I am doing the work. Sometimes it is painful.  Sometimes I feel alone.  Most times I know that is a feeling and is not reality.  The bottom line is I have  a lot more living left to do.  I’ve got miles to go before I sleep and I might as well enjoy the scenery and the ride as I move down the track.  Derailments rarely happen.  Life is good and a gift to be appreciated.  Enjoy and appreciate the joy in every moment.

Peace and Blessings

Count Your Blessings

Yesterday on Facebook a good friend posed a question “how have you been a blessing to someone today?”  The answers were heartwarming, touching and inspiring. One lady’s answer was not how she was a blessing but how she was blessed by someone else. This thread reminded of something that I needed to refocus on: as we go through life we need to count our blessings.

The interesting thing is not only do you have opportunities to bless someone daily, but you also have the chance to recognize and appreciate how others are blessing you.  Do you understand how quickly and powerfully you can change your daily disposition by focusing on the blessings?  What a difference we would make in the world if we set out each day to bless SOMEONE whom we encounter on that day.  It kind of brings to mind the concept of  ”pay it forward” but it is a twofold task: bless and count your blessings.

Two weeks ago in church a small incident occurred.  I did what I should with no further thought.  My former secret sister was so moved by what I assure you was a small act of kindness that she lit a candle of thanks for me the following week.  Now I’m feeling blessed.  I did nothing to deserve this (in my mind anyway).  On Sunday she presented me with a small token of her appreciation.  Again, it was not about the gift.  It wasn’t about what I did.  In this case it was about us blessing one another.  A small act that I’m positive will further endear us to one another for the rest of our days.

Life is short and precious.  We can elect to focus on how “that jerk” cut us off  in traffic and how our paycheck error has yet to be fixed OR we can recognize the friend that encouraged us to do what we love (write this blog) regardless of how many or how few read it .  We can appreciate a very meaningful “girlfriend chat” that we helped facilitate. The choice is yours but I shall continue to remind myself  daily to count my blessings.

Thank you C Lee for the reminder!

Spread love… peace and blessings.

Birthday Musings

Well it’s that time- albeit a little delayed this year. Every year I take time to review my life.  This generally takes place on New Year’s Day and my birthday(7/1).  Well, we are officially 15 days past my birthday.  Life’s circumstances delayed me putting pen to paper or fingers to keys, as it were, this year but I definitely put in the time for reflection.  So, at the ripe young age of 47 here’s what I’ve learned so far.  Some lessons came a while ago while some are very recent.  Regardless of the timing, they are things I now hold as true.

1.  I can’t change anyone but myself.  While this is definitely true, what is even more true is that though I will not ask anyone to change who they are for me I am firm in what is not acceptable behavior for/toward me.  You don’t have to change, but I don’t have to tolerate it either!

2. Most people are good at heart.  The more you accept that, the more people will show you how good they really are.  (another way of stating that most people live up to your expectations)

3.  Age is definitely a state of mind.  I’m 47 but still 25 in my mind.  I think constantly relating to my inner child helps me look younger.

4.  You have to take care of your mind, body, and soul.  You can amass money and for some that is the ultimate goal.  But those funds will not keep you out of the doctor’s office, off of medication and off of the operating table.

5.  You can’t choose your family, but often times when the rubber meets the road you will find that they are truly there for you.

6.  You really do have to power to change your life simply based on what you think.  The Law of Attraction is real.  If you don’t believe me, try some of the principles yourself and prove me wrong.  I’ll wait; you won’t.  ;-)

7.  Some things have changed from the old days but I don’t HAVE to change with them if the change is not for the best.  This deserves its own blog as it cannot be summarized in a sentence or two.

8.  You can’t make me hate you, cause I won’t! Hate is not in my vocabulary especially in reference to another person.  We all have God within us.  If I recognize the God in you it is impossible for me to hate you.  The God in me can’t hate itself. I choose to see you for your best, even when you display your worst.

9.  When you spread love it comes back to you magnified.  Most of you know this is a principal that I live by.  Spread love.

10.  Tell people you love them; often!

11.  Don’t force people to jump through hoops to prove their love for you. It’s unnecessary, tiring, and leads to resentment.

12.  Be willing to see your own faults and learn from your mistakes. No one is perfect and that includes you.  It’s ok.  Cut yourself some slack.  No one expects you to be perfect.

13.  Life goes on.  Unless you die, you get the opportunity to live another day.  That is a gift.  Try as much as possible to live in the present and see the present for the gift that it is.

14.  Your time and attention are two of the greatest gifts you can give a person.  Give someone your undivided attention sometimes and see what a difference it makes in your communication.

15.  Be willing to see the other person’s point of view.  That doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, but by seeing it you will find an understanding.

16.  Be willing to admit when you are wrong.

17.  Don’t give up.

18.  Laugh often – especially at yourself.

19.  See your children as the individuals that they are and appreciate your time with them.  It will be gone before you know it.

20.  When you are surrounded by friends who love, support, and encourage you, you can survive anything. Again, I could write an entire blog around this.

21. You are stronger than you think you.  Most of us don’t know what we are capable of until we are presented with a situation. It’s when things are at their worst that we sometimes see what we are really made of.

22.  Be willing to laugh (even at yourself) loud and often.  There are a lot of serious things that occur in life, but there is a lot of funny stuff as well.  Laughter is healing.  Never take yourself so seriously that you can’t enjoy a good laugh.